Will he be my only child???
Being a mum to only one child I am always being questioned....
'When are you going to have another child'?
'Is he your only one?'
I always reply with the same answer
'yup only one, ones enough'
I keep it short, then people think that it is my choice to only have one so they don't ask anymore questions.
Truth is NOW at this point in my life I do feel like Jack will be my one and only child and I'm ok with that!
Once Upon a time I did plan to have more children. I was in a stable relationship with someone who didn't have children themselves!
He was amazing with Jack, so the thought of having a child with him didn't scare me at all and I was open to becoming a mummy again.
Unfortunately a baby what was not written in the stars for us and I suffered 6 miscarriages in 3 years.
After 5 attempts of trying for a baby resulting in 3 early miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies where I was rushed into surgery. I decided it was time to give my body a rest and go on the pill.
I was due to have some sort of dye put through my last remaining tube in September 2014. I was advised it would help with all the scaring my tube had suffered from the previous surgeries and hopefully would mean I could go on and have a normal pregnancy.
At the end of August 2014 I was at work suffering with what I thought was period pains. Later that day I collapsed at work.
I went to the hospital And blood tests and a scan confirmed I had fallen pregnant on the pill and the baby was stuck in my last tube and it was on the verge of rupturing. I was rushed into surgery within hours of the scan and my baby and last tube was removed.
I woke up from surgery and spoke with the doctors and heard the dreaded words no woman ever wants to hear... 'you will not be able to ever conceive a child naturally'
It hit me like a ton of bricks. However I felt like I could not feel as bad as I did.
I felt guilty on my healthy child I already had. How could I be so upset about not being able to have anymore children when I have been blessed with my beautiful Jack.
I thought of all the woman who don't have children that had been through what I had and it made me so grateful that I had Jack to go home and cuddle after this awful ordeal.
Me and my then boyfriend broke up in November 2014 and Fast forward nearly 3 years I am still single and have come to terms with the fact that I may only ever have one child.
My son is now 9 years old. If I ever did want another child I would have to be so stable with someone because we would need to take the IVF route.
I can't see that happening any time soon.
So realistically if I ever do meet some one and we talk about IVF, Jack will be in his teens!! Do I really want to start all over again? Do all the nappies and sleepless nights?
I spend a lot of time thinking to myself about being a mummy again.
I look at Jack and feel guilty for not giving him a brother or sister.
He is so good in his own company, he can play on his own and is so independent and has a happy life however I do wonder if he is lonely.
I have a brother but we have a 6 year gap and was never close as children. Now we're older and our age gap is not as apparent we do get on.
But if I go on to have another baby will jack then feel left out? Will he like the baby?
I have So many quiestions and so many thoughts.
Bottom line is jack is my only child and I am Truly blessed to have him.
Anyone that knows my son will tell you how polite, amazing and funny he is.
If in this lifetime I was only ever meant to be a mummy to Jack, then that's ok.
One day things may change, I could meet someone and be ready to start motherhood all over again.
But for now what I have is more than enough.
The losses I have had has only made me appreciate and love Jack even more then I did (if that is possible)
It's made me stronger as a person dealing with something so heartbreaking.
The most natural thing for a woman to do is pregnancy. To be told that I would never experience that again naturally could have tore me apart, made me feel less like a woman. But I put my big girl boots on, wiped my tears and got on with my life and appreciated everything I had been blessed with so far.
It's took me three years to openly talk about my pregnancy losses. Only the people close to me only knew the reasons I was in hospital. I was to embarrassed to tell people 'iv had Another miscarriage' 'iv lost another baby' but now I realise its not embarrassing, We should speak out about it. We can be upset about it.
If you have ever lost a baby my heart goes out to you. Us woman have to go through so much in our lives. Some we speak out about like periods and childbirth. But others like miscarriages we feel we need to hide.
Well I'm not hiding anymore. The heartache has made me stronger and maybe me sharing my story will help you share yours.
Jack may be my only child but he completes me, he is my world and he will never ever realise how much I love him.
We are a team ❤️
Lots of love