Being a single lady is one thing being a single MOTHER is a complete different one.
I have no shame in saying I am single or telling people I am a single parent. I am proud that I have managed to bring up a child as amazing as mine by myself. Now I won’t take all the credit because over the years I haven’t always been single.
Jack’s dad and I split up 5 months after jack was born, I spent about a year being a single mum to small baby. I then met someone who I spent 3 years on and off with, they was great with Jack, well when I say great I mean he was good at doing annoying boy things with Jack, nothing that actually helped me like potty training or getting up in the night. Then I met my last boyfriend, I spent 3 years with him and he was defiantly more of step father role to Jack and done alot more to help me, however I still done most the work, like all us mums single or not...
But for the last 2 half years I have been completely single, I have not even been close to a relationship with someone. The generation we are in now being single is HARD!!! Being a single mother is UNBELIEVABLY HARD!!!
Before writing this blog I actually done abit of research and spoke with alot of lovely ladies and even some men and i come up with the 6 common things we face as Single Mum’s.
1. Men presume because we have children that we want them to be a ‘dad’ for our children.
I remember a few months ago I saw a lad put a meme picture up on social media saying ‘If you’re a single lad over the age of 25 you either have to go for ugly girls or become a step dad’
Now this post offended me in different ways but, mainly because there was people that had liked the post had previously tried to talk to me knowing I have a child.
One thing I want to shout from the roof tops as a single mother is ‘WE ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A STEP DAD’ now from my own person point of view my son has a dad. If I meet someone and want a relationship with you then yes it is important you get on with my child but I want am not with you to be a step dad for my child. I survived so long without you.
Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying all lads think the same and I know there are some great guys there that have took on children as their own and I have the utmost respect to them, But what lads need to realise when they are meeting a single mother is we are just looking for that connection with a person. The exact same thing girl without a child is looking for.
2. Are you a single mum on benefits?
Why do people presume that if you are a single mum you must be on benefits? Are woman not capable of making their own money- One thing that I have seen since Mum’s Life radio show has started is there are so many amazing mummy’s out there making their own money, putting in the graft and NOT living off benefits. Don’t get me wrong benefits are there to help people and different mums are in different situations but I just don’t understand why I hear the world’s single mum and benefits in the same sentence so often.
3. The criticism for having a social life.
When you are in a relationship it is a common thing you don’t have as much of a social life as when you are single. Mainly because you have someone else to spend time with.
When your a single mum and most of your time is took up by looking after your children, running a home and working why can you not enjoy a social life. Would I rather sit at home by myself while my son is visiting is dad or Nan. Or would I take that opportunity to go and socialise with people who are my age and step out of mummy mode.
You see it all over social media, comments about mums leaving their children with the Nan's at weekends and some even calling it neglecting your child.. But the same thing is not said when people in relationships get babysitters to go on date nights or holidays without their children. They are also ‘neglecting’ their children if that’s the case.
Why should we be judged for how we want to spend our time without our children? Some mums may enjoy peace and quiet reading a book other may enjoy going out dancing with the girls and doing a few jager bombs.
4. Men seem to think because we have children we would be more likely to fall pregnant again and ‘trap’ them...
I spoke to a few mums about this and they all said that whenever they meet a man they are really wary of them falling pregnant double checking by saying ‘you are on the pill aren’t you’ over and over. They say this but then don’t offer to put a condom on, so really are they that worried??
I also questioned a few male friends of mine and 80% said they would be more worried about the lady with the kid getting pregnant over the lady who has no children....WHYYY??
So to some up my research, if I lined up two ladies. One had a child and one didn’t. The man would be more scared to sleep with the lady who has a child because they might fall pregnant.
This is laughable...If you are starting to see a girl who has a kid already its very likely the last thing they are thinking about is about another one, single mums already know the struggled of being a single mum you think we want to risk having your child and adding to that stress
. This is a case of us being categorised again.
5. Being judged for spending money on yourself and not your child.
Now this can mean money spent on a night out to money spent on a nice new pair of sunglasses.
You know what. If your child is healthy happy, fed, watered and clothed and you want to buy yourself that top you have seen then DO IT! I will fully admit my son is 8 years old and I use to spend so much money on the best trainers and clothes but now I refuse because he comes home from the park with them ruined within one day. If I go out and buy myself a pair of trainers I’m not going to go jump in puddles and they would probably last me a few years, but jack would jump in puddles and that £100 pair of trainers would probably last a month. As long as there is a balance and your child doesn’t go without you should never feel guilty for spending money on yourself.
6. Sometimes we want to give it all up...
Now this final one is probably the most important. Being a single mum is hard! The pressure we feel daily is immense and we don’t get the recognition we deserve alot of the time for what we do for our children. There are days that you might just want to give it all up. You might dream about life before children and how it was so much easier. Or wish that you had that companion to help you day in day out. But then we have a good day and we realise how blessed we are and that actually when we do want to give it all up, it is usually our kids that bring us out of that frame of mind.
We are actually the lucky ones, being single without children must be one hell of a lonely place, we have cuddles on tap.
I personally think that because we are mothers that actually makes us more of a catch, I mean we have proved we can look after another human, we have proved we can put someone’s else’s needs before our own, we have grown, took responsibility and become stronger woman because we have had to for the benefit of our children, Who wouldn’t want them qualities in a girlfriend?
I can honestly say that I am happy being single and after what I have seen the last 2 years I am not prepared to start dating yet. Dating actually doesn’t even exist anymore does it? More like 'Netflix and chill’. Going back to my late teens/early twenties I was ALWAYS asked on dates but now its ‘fancy ordering a pizza and chilling on your sofa’ ermmm NO thanks i would rather do that by myself.
Remember girls don’t settle for less than you are worth. We are strong independent woman bringing up the next generation and if we don’t have a man by our side to help us, well that just makes us all the more strong! Mr Right is out there somewhere....
It takes a long time to enjoy your own company, as mums we are always so busy and when we do get some down time it can feel lonely- but when you reach that point of being ok in your own company you will feel so much happiness, its took me a while but i can finally say im there..... I think.
Single Mumma's.... We are one hell of a strong lot!
Lots of Love